This song by Ariana Grande is probably my favorite this year because it’s soo relatable for me(if you haven’t heard it listen and come back), I’m one of those people that genuinely loves love, I enjoy being in relationships, I like going on nice dates, holding hands, cute texts, flowers, gifts, you know the full package. But love and relationships haven’t necessarily been as kind to me or worked out how I’ll have loved them too. I was that girl that always had a boyfriend, I remember when I got single and my friend said to me, don’t worry you’ll get a new man next week… haha.
We live and learn I guess, I remember when I lost a lover, I remember the last conversations, the back and forth, I remember him cursing me out, I remember crying like a child begging to be loved and accepted. He moved on to another woman.Sometimes I have hot flashes at how disgusted I was by his pathetic lies, listening to someone lie so blatantly. The weeks/months afterwards were so dark. I woke up with anxiety/ panic attacks almost every day. I wasn’t used to being alone, not this way at least, my phone would be so empty. My daily routine included waking up, crying, getting wasted on vodka, not eating anymore, I had gotten so skinny, frail and tiny. I was emotionally, mentally and physically sick. This was not necessarily because I loved him or even missed him… the loneliness just sucked.
After about 2 weeks of missing work, waking up, crying, throwing up, not being on any socials, being ill. I tried to get out more… I had become a shadow of myself. I sat in the back of my Uber and cried and cried and cried, my Uber then proceeded to comfort me. I let him hold me, I cried in his hands, I was so vulnerable and broken. I read a book, called ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck’. I confronted myself and I learnt to take full responsibilty. I recognized my flaws, I realized how I constantly hurt myself by being with people who just were not for me. It was a cycle for me… breakup, new boyfriend, get hurt, cry, start over sigh. And in all honesty my body, mind and soul got tired.
I can pinpoint the exact moment when I realized I was done with the situation. A very quiet evening ; I was taking a walk by myself and I had a lightbulb moment. I was bare faced, wearing grey leggings and an oversized blue T-shirt. It occurred to me randomly, you do not need to be with anyone who doesn’t see your magic. I obviously had my flaws and shortcomings but not to that extent; I in no way deserved to be lied to, manipulated, cheated on, gaslighted, threatened and still feel like the villain. You don’t either sis, dump him. Guys, I have tried in relationships and for men… trust me.
I journaled a lot during that phase and I saw myself grow and flourish. I saw my light again. I confronted myself, the parts of me that should be worked on and my shortcomings in my past situation, I forgave myself and moved on. That’s why ‘thank you, next’ by Ariana Grande resonates so well with me. I moved on from everyone and everything to myself. I learnt to enjoy my own company, I learnt to pour into myself and love myself unapologetic-ally. I learned from my pain and turned out amazing. From my past relationships I’ve learnt so much about myself, and even though I’ve known a lot of pain and hurt, I’m still grateful, I’ve also known a lot of happiness, thank you. Now after my last dance partner failed me, I am enjoying dancing alone, I might two- step with a passing partner here and there, but I’m turning down dances left and right. I’m enjoying being the beautiful, drunk girl in the middle of the dance floor who wants to be alone and admired. Too busy and too free in movement to keep up with.
The girl I was stayed in relationships even when I had solid proof they were cheating and was willing to compromise herself . The girl I am now leaves and drops these niggas because they moved mad even a little. The ultimate glow up is when you realize your self worth, and truly and genuinely love yourself. You guys see me. I’m boisterous, funny, loud, weird, chatty, wearing bold colors- but people love it because it’s naturally me, which makes it unique to them, and makes me attractive to a lot of people, not just men. I’m just being myself tho.
You deserve love that doesn’t involve suffering first. And with being by myself, and making intentional and conscious effors at self-love, self acceptance, self-worth and seeing my value. I have learnt to always look out for the red flags, ensure you do not become those who hurt you, fully heal before you get involved with others… stop distributing the trauma, stop trying to force things, in whatever you do, don’t lose yourself and when people tell or show you who they really are…. believe them.
Oh well, life is beautiful, don’t spend it begging for love, everything you have… pour back into yourself. And stop settling. Also remember, a babe is a babe, chop life make life no chop you.
Your friendly neighbourhood slay queen