“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.”-Eartha Kitt
‘Rot in hell bitch’
No matter how many times I wash my ears, I can never forget those words. That’s what my ex said to me when our relationship was finally crashing. I was like ah ah, me? Your baby? I should rot in hell?😂😩I often wonder how people go from all the I love you’s and empty promises to ‘rot in hell, bitch?!😂
Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to shame my ex boyfriend, that’s not my brand. I definitely played a part in our relationship crashing. I think to a large extent he was a good guy; made me laugh, was there for me when I needed him to be and I’ll always value that. He had his downsides like we all do. What is perfect anyways?
I was in a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for almost four years of my life. This was before my last relationship. When you’ve consumed so much darkness, you become unsure of what the light looks like. One thing that stood out to me in my last relationship is my capacity to love. I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend- I was a handful sometimes, insecure, a drama queen occasionally, moody with a smart mouth.I’ll tell you this for free, you can’t negotiate my capacity to love.
My last relationship ended way before we called it quits officially. I think everyone can tell when a relationship is over. My ex boyfriend had met someone else. That really hurt a slay queen. He moved on and I was left with all the broken pieces. I tried to find a rebound, a replacement but nothing was working out, so I channeled all the love I had been offering others into myself.
Going through a breakup as nasty as mine definitely built my character. This is probably the first time I’m writing about it. It took a toll on my mind, my well-being, my mental health and joy. But, it also taught me incredible lessons and pushed me into having the difficult conversations with myself. It’s so easy to stay on our high horses and play the victim sometimes but you know what’s difficult? Sitting with yourself and having the tough, bitter conversations. You’re the bad guy sometimes, you’re the one who needs to fix up.
My Single Journey
Being single for three years definitely wasn’t my plan. I really thought I’ll get into my next relationship and bounce along like I always did. People who have known me for years know there was scarcely a time when I didn’t have a partner. I really love love. But, self- preservation is key.
I realized I was carrying too much hurt. I needed to figure out who I was for myself without the influence of another. The way to cure pain isn’t escaping it, it’s confronting it. Confronting the hurt was definitely an experience, one that I’m eternally grateful for. Helped me to stop seeing myself through rose colored lenses.
I decided to define my hard and soft limits, what I could and what I couldn’t take. I created my core values and what my boundaries were. There’s a way I’ve felt in my past relationships that I never want to feel again. Hell, I dated someone who didn’t even know my surname lmaoo 😂
I also said I was going to stop chasing, stop hunting, stop fighting- love is not war. I decided to focus squarely on myself, my journey, my family, friends and laughter and experience platonic love
to the maximum extent. I wasn’t going to stay in spaces not for me.
Playing small was something I was absolutely done with. I had to step in my power and realize nobody was doing me a favor by dating me and I wasn’t doing them a favor either. Just two premium pies doing life together.
Lmaooo I’m really writing like I’m jagaban😂. Sometimes I break my own heart and hurt myself. I’ve loved so many people, I’ve dated some incredible men along my single journey, I’ve laughed, I’ve lived, I’ve loved in a carefree, reckless way. I dated this guy and although things didn’t work out, I sent him an email saying thank you- because for a while I thought certain parts of me were dead and feeling those intense emotions was beautiful, to me.
I once ran with this guy into an art gallery under the rain, another time I traveled out of town with a guy I met only a day before; we ate, I was wined and dined. I went home.
Honestly, I’ve also met some dickheads, like the one guy who refused to walk me to my Uber at 11:30pm, God knows I didn’t deserve that nonsense and He gave me the strength to bounce up out of that jaga jaga situation.
I’ve realized that I am indeed not unlovable or undeserving of the beautiful things in life. Being single gets lonely sometimes, I see all these cute tic tok videos and I’m like who will I do this with now?😂 Sometimes I want to wear matchy matchy fits but nobody. Other times, I’ve had a really long day and I desperately want someone to hold me and tell me I’ll be fine but there’s nobody so I’ll have to just wrap myself with my big big duvet and hug myself to sleep.
You never stop your healing journey, there’s always something to unpack, to unlearn, to grow from. But hopefully, one day I’ll find a love that stays, a situation where we both fill each other with joy, empathy, kindness, love and laughter.
Maybe one day, I’ll have my Family Christmas with me, my partner and children wearing matching onesies. Maybe I’ll travel the world with someone who I love and loves me in return, maybe I’ll stop being a city girl and finally be a Ciara 🥺😩
A little bit of advice for my single pies; surround yourself with a lot of love and community, there is so much love in friendship, platonic relationships are awesome. Do work that matters to you and brings you joy. Also, ignore the timelines.
As much as I love love and would want to experience healthy love, I really value the peace and focus that I have right now. The door is not closed for it, but unlike before I’m in a place where I’m good with or without because the love is already in me.
One day, maybe I’ll look back at all the years I spent completely alone and realize it was all worth it.
Your favorite neighborhood slay queen,