As we left the wedding last night, my legs simply wouldn’t go on and no it wasn’t my heels stopping me, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I watched D-baby head into the Uber so confidently and all I could do was mutter an ever so silent ‘shit’ under my breath. This is exhausting, tiring and I no longer want any parts. Why did we even make plans tatted four events in one night?
Let’s rewind this a bit; I used to be the party, the life of the party, the reckless one, always ready to turn up, always here for a good time and sometimes I look back at that girl with a combination of envy and fear. Envy because she was so brave, so fearless, she genuinely knew how to have a good time, she would two-step with niggas here and there but above all she enjoyed being the drunk beautiful girl who just loved to be admired. Fear because she was not scared for her safety, had no sense of self preservation, partied all week and could never take a break, it was always a party. I was the girl who will party till 2am and go for classes at 8am (don’t try this at home).
I can’t believe I was once the party, all the club DJ’s knew me, parties wouldn’t start till I got there, I would travel city to city with people I barely knew, bar hopping was a favorite adventure, I always had the VVIP seats at concerts and now a girl can’t even get from one wedding to the next. It’s nice to finally grow up, to be on my healing journey, don’t get it twisted. I loved my edge, how I’ll walk into the party and everyone knew me, how I snatched hearts, I was a popping babe. Now I have to focus on walking to this damn Uber, I’m going to have to focus on if I’m genuinely elated or if I’m just pretending to be happy.
Sobriety is nice and refreshing, nicer than I would have thought. Waking up in my own bed, making plans, having a bedtime, creating a schedule and sticking to it. It’s all so heartwarming. I will choose this every single day over the recklessness of my teenage years. The world isn’t structured for women to thrive and flourish, we have to work harder and ensure that we are shattering the glass ceilings created to constrict us. When we do this, we are opening the doors for the women after us.
But this doesn’t come by simply being beautiful, or partying every other night. It comes by being intentional with your life and choices. By putting in the work, by remembering nobody is coming to save us, there’s no knight in shining armor baby. You are your own hero, the answer to generations of prayers. The greatest success stories come from those who save themselves. There is absolutely no need to further discredit myself in a world not built for me.
I like this Yommie too, don’t get me wrong, I adore her love for life, her impact, her laughter, her intellect, her courage, her resilience, her work ethic, her attention to detail, her love for poetry and the arts, her easygoing spirit, her jokes. I love finding parts of her I never knew existed. Once a baddie, always a baddie, but ethically this time.
D-baby screams my name and yells Yommie aren’t you coming again?
Ah yes, the wedding.
I still don’t know why it’s so difficult to get to this damn Uber!
Your favorite neighborhood slay queen