Alone, not Lonely

‘For someone so conflicted, who am I to give advice to anybody? It’s such a funny, grandiose idea’- Florence Welch

When I started this journey almost three years ago, I had no idea how it’ll turn out, I didn’t know I could survive being completely alone. I didn’t think I’ll be alone this long- almost 3 years bruh.

I wake up, wear my sportswear, brush my teeth and go for my morning run, get back, have a bath, get dressed, scour the kitchen to see if they’re any leftovers I could grab for my lunch break, get into the car and rush to work. Work is pretty uneventful, I’ve been doing the same thing for over a year so I have a pretty good hang of this role.

I met this guy at a bar the other day and he’s been serenading me with sweet words, doing all the right stuff, saying the right things. I’m laughing a lot, he’s asked me on a date to this upscale restaurant that just opened. He offers to pick me up, that was kind. He’s telling me how beautiful I am, how nice and toned my body is, how he thinks we ‘vibe’ well. He says he’s not looking for anything serious at this time but he definitely wants us to be ‘cool’, I can always come through and ‘chill’. These words are so familiar, the buzzwords for a situationship. I smile through the tears in my eyes, I tell him kindly, I actually want something more serious, more stable.

‘Good enough to fuck, not good enough to be loved’. These words keep ringing in my head, messing with my confidence. He offers to drop me back at home but I decline, I request my Uber and as I hop in the backseat, I ask him to stop at the store, I walk in and grab a bottle of vodka, I need something strong for tonight, something to help me cope with this feeling of nothingness, the hurt of never being anyone’s priority, never being good enough for them. The cashier goes ‘fine aunty, I like you o, you’re always laughing’. I smile, leave her a tip and walk back to my Uber.

My phone rings, it’s Tunmise, she’s laughing, ‘how was the date now?’ I start telling her everything about my evening and we are laughing so much I forget how empty and defeated I felt a few hours ago. We tease each other about everything, that’s what you do with people you’ve known over 8 years right? I laugh, laugh and laugh some more. We profess our love to each other and I run to the shower, I have a bath, do my skincare routine, wear my silk robe and crawl into bed.

I completely forget about the bottle of vodka I thought will be my partner for the night. I go over the events of the day and I’m grateful for the beautiful life I have. I hug myself to bed, I’m no more bothered by the date I had earlier, I no longer internalize someone wanting to fuck me but not wanting to love me, I tell myself it’s all gonna work out in the end, it’s not about me, it’s about him.

I don’t know if I’ll ever receive the love I desire , I don’t know if I’ll ever find the partner I crave, I don’t know if this is just a phase that has lasted too long, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. But here I am, at peace, happy, the beacon of self love and joy, no longer seeking validation from men who will never love me. Realizing I’m good enough for love and everything I desire. Telling myself I’m no more in survival mode.

My validation doesn’t come from waking up in strangers beds. I’m alone, not lonely.

Your favorite neighborhood slay queen

Yommie

28 thoughts on “Alone, not Lonely”

  1. Omg I love this so much! Loneliness at times comes from lack of
    Validation from other people and lack of connection as well, once you feel like you validate yourself and you find joy in the things you do and are comfortable with being with yourself, these things gradually fade. It makes it even better when you have friends who genuinely care about you and who you are able to connect with. I resonate with everything you said and I love the line where you said you no longer find validation in a strangers bed. For me it’s in a strangers thought of me or in a mans hug or calls and stuff like that. I really really like the post and I’m just grateful people who don’t have anyone at least have your reads.

    1. This is actually so true, when you have people who truly care for you and love you, you’re no more searching for your validation in every single person you meet cos you already have everything you desire.
      Jenny you’re so sweet for leaving me this long response, means the world to me baby girl ❤❤❤🥺🥰 Love youuuu!

  2. Amazing write up Yommie❤! I love love every part of this because it reminds me of me. It also gives me an assurance that I’m not alone in this “Alone single” journey and we are all going to be just fine.
    Thank God for those awesome irreplaceable friends that remind us of how loved we are.
    We are more than enough! And our validation doesn’t come from being in a relationship.

    1. Thank you for reading beautiful, we honestly are going to be fine, friendships are so beautiful and intense and it’s amazing tone alone and happy than to do life with someone who causes you so much pain, better days are here!

  3. This is very uplifting, finding myself in situationship is the closet I’ve ever been to a relationship. I sometimes question myself, if I’m deserving of real love. But I’m trying to embrace the fact that, I’m alone like you said, not lonely, and true and genuine, love will find me when the time is right.
    P.S : this is a lovely piece, I’m looking forward to more of your writings

    1. You are deserving of true love, joy, happiness, laughter, peace of mind and everything amazing and trust me it will come. Might not be in the package or bundle you expect but it’ll come. The thing with blessings os that you have to be prepared for them, so take care of yourself, have fun, laugh and live a little. Thank you very much, I have a few more on the website.

  4. This is so inspiring. Sis u nailed it,alone and happy not lonely. At d end of the day nobody can love us more than we love ourselves and God’s love is unconditionally and faithful.

  5. This resonates with me so muchhh! I’m literally in tears atm and it’s because of that statement “good enough to fuck, not good enough to be loved.” For the past few months, that thought has really been eating at me. Been feeling extra lonely, I keep asking myself, “why doesn’t anyone want to love me?”.

    Finally came to the conclusion that I just need to let go of all these situationships. Be alone for a while, learn to love myself for myself. But it’s been hard and sometimes I just get really sad about it. It feels good to know someone’s already started the journey and it’s working fine for you.

    1. You will find the love you desire and even if you don’t, you will find yourself. In all honesty, there are no rules, no guidelines, mo metrics for these things. But it’s important to love and validate yourself first, those are things nobody will ever give to you. Everything good will come, please send me an email when they do!

  6. You should be proud of yourself for knowing what you want and sticking to it, it’s not easy to do. I believe everything good will come

  7. So this seems to be the story for most young ladies out there. Some people are caught in the web while the others know what exactly they want. Nice one

  8. This was so refreshing to read. I love your disposition!!
    I’m sure the love you deserve and desire will find you soon ❤️.

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