‘For someone so conflicted, who am I to give advice to anybody? It’s such a funny, grandiose idea’- Florence Welch
When I started this journey almost three years ago, I had no idea how it’ll turn out, I didn’t know I could survive being completely alone. I didn’t think I’ll be alone this long- almost 3 years bruh.
I wake up, wear my sportswear, brush my teeth and go for my morning run, get back, have a bath, get dressed, scour the kitchen to see if they’re any leftovers I could grab for my lunch break, get into the car and rush to work. Work is pretty uneventful, I’ve been doing the same thing for over a year so I have a pretty good hang of this role.
I met this guy at a bar the other day and he’s been serenading me with sweet words, doing all the right stuff, saying the right things. I’m laughing a lot, he’s asked me on a date to this upscale restaurant that just opened. He offers to pick me up, that was kind. He’s telling me how beautiful I am, how nice and toned my body is, how he thinks we ‘vibe’ well. He says he’s not looking for anything serious at this time but he definitely wants us to be ‘cool’, I can always come through and ‘chill’. These words are so familiar, the buzzwords for a situationship. I smile through the tears in my eyes, I tell him kindly, I actually want something more serious, more stable.
‘Good enough to fuck, not good enough to be loved’. These words keep ringing in my head, messing with my confidence. He offers to drop me back at home but I decline, I request my Uber and as I hop in the backseat, I ask him to stop at the store, I walk in and grab a bottle of vodka, I need something strong for tonight, something to help me cope with this feeling of nothingness, the hurt of never being anyone’s priority, never being good enough for them. The cashier goes ‘fine aunty, I like you o, you’re always laughing’. I smile, leave her a tip and walk back to my Uber.
My phone rings, it’s Tunmise, she’s laughing, ‘how was the date now?’ I start telling her everything about my evening and we are laughing so much I forget how empty and defeated I felt a few hours ago. We tease each other about everything, that’s what you do with people you’ve known over 8 years right? I laugh, laugh and laugh some more. We profess our love to each other and I run to the shower, I have a bath, do my skincare routine, wear my silk robe and crawl into bed.
I completely forget about the bottle of vodka I thought will be my partner for the night. I go over the events of the day and I’m grateful for the beautiful life I have. I hug myself to bed, I’m no more bothered by the date I had earlier, I no longer internalize someone wanting to fuck me but not wanting to love me, I tell myself it’s all gonna work out in the end, it’s not about me, it’s about him.
I don’t know if I’ll ever receive the love I desire , I don’t know if I’ll ever find the partner I crave, I don’t know if this is just a phase that has lasted too long, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. But here I am, at peace, happy, the beacon of self love and joy, no longer seeking validation from men who will never love me. Realizing I’m good enough for love and everything I desire. Telling myself I’m no more in survival mode.
My validation doesn’t come from waking up in strangers beds. I’m alone, not lonely.
Your favorite neighborhood slay queen